“Stop fighting yourself.
If you need to eat junk food to keep from choking someone, go do that.”
After dealing with the effects of poison oak for a week now, and being on some serious steroids, I broke down yesterday and called the doctor. I was frantic, very angry, itchy, and a bit worried. It didn’t seem to be getting better, and after a long afternoon of dealing with people treating me like garbage (long story for another day), I felt like snapping on everyone. I was not a fun person to be around at all yesterday. That loss of control over my own brain was a bit scary because I’ve never had a problem controlling myself when I get upset. Not yesterday. Yesterday, I wanted to get a divorce, move away, and punch a hole in the front door on the way out. I was shaking from anger – something I’ve never really done before.
The nurse I talked to was great – she explained that while on steroids, sometimes it amplifies stress/anger/depression/anxiety. She also said that it will make me hungrier than normal – and no matter how much I want to fight that, I shouldn’t. So I thanked her through tears, and got my ass to the nearest Wendy’s for some more chicken nuggets and french fries. It turned out to be the release I needed. My husband also came home that night with chocolate cake. He’s a smart man, that one. 🙂
I don’t know why I couldn’t figure all that out on my own. I mean, I did read the 2-page long sheet that came with the damn pills they gave me. I remember reading that I might have an increased appetite and mood swings. I think I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to let some things go for right now – to affirm that my endless stressing over what I’m eating is just going to make everything worse.
I’ve never been great at taking care of myself when I’m sick – I’m always pushing myself through it, instead of succumbing to it and letting it take over for a bit. A lot of people are like that, and I’m sure many of you can relate. During the times in my life where I could use a break, it seems like life chooses that moment to pile everything up on me instead. I know some of that is just how I act when I’m not feeling well, but the timing hasn’t been great right now either. We’re in the middle of making some major life decisions as a couple, I’m still buried under a pile of work I can’t get caught up on, and my weekends lately have all been about me doing things for people who don’t seem to appreciate it (another long story for another day).
This weekend isn’t any different, with my husband volunteering me to babysit our two nephews while he helps his brother move. I’m still not feeling well, and was a little pissed that he didn’t ask me first (roid rage…haha), but I’m trying to stay positive about it. I love my two nephews, and I’m looking forward to hanging out with them for an afternoon. I might even use it as an excuse to take them to ice cream and mini golf, if for no other reason than because I think it’ll be fun. Well, and any excuse to eat ice cream sounds good right now.
Today I’m feeling better. I made it through work okay, and even managed to get a bit of work done before I left. Unfortunately, I have to go back in tomorrow on my day off to get more stuff done, but I’m going to try to make a day of it – maybe do some shopping when I get done…or hit up the local smoothie place for their “Free Smoothies if You Wear Flip Flops” day. I’m also going to spend the rest of my afternoon painting my nails – something I haven’t done in two weeks because I just haven’t had the time or patience. Well, that and it’s hard to keep nail polish looking good if you keep scratching yourself while waiting for it to dry. 😉
So if you’re feeling a little under the weather or stressed out like me, just remember that it’s okay to let things go. Do what you have to do to get through it, whether it’s taking a nap, putting work off for another time, or eating the hell out of some french fries. Tomorrow you can get back to life – when it’s not so damn sucky.